REBEL – Part 2: T-Ball Anyone?
Scene I: Observations of a T-Ball Game – NO SCORING
The little four to seven year olds took their places on the field. The batter hit the ball. The outfielders missed it, ran to pick it up, and threw it. The catcher didn’t catch the ball. The batter arrived at home base – safe! Parents of players on both teams cheered not only the batter but also the efforts of the outfielders. The most surprising thing was that kids on both teams were OK with the play and with each other!!! They all went back home and picked up the game the next day in their backyards eagerly awaiting next week’s T-ball game.
The way this game was played reminds me of the concept of Acceptance-Based-Performance ABP. An Acceptance-based performance relationship is one in which people are accepted for who they are – NOT based on how well they perform – with no strings attached. No one is keeping score.
How we feel and respond to life when we’re in relationships of ABP with ourselves, others and God
discernment; gain and maintain a sense of identity and well-being; fulfillment; love; order; trust; honesty; freedom; sanity; contentment; fun; joy; peace; motivation to perform excellently; “want to” instead of “should”; boldness; able to receive and to give; secure; acceptance of life on life’s terms (i.e. facing reality); kind; gentle; relaxed; alert; efficient, worship and Bible reading are enjoyed because; God is our friend, etc.
Scene II: Observations of a Softball Game – KEEPING SCORE
The eight to twelve year olds took their places on the field. The batter hit the ball. The outfielders missed it, ran to pick it up, and threw it. The catcher didn’t catch the ball. The batter arrived at home base – safe! Parents of players on the batter’s team were ecstatic. Parents of players of outfielders were either blaming the ump or yelling at their kids for not doing a good job. The outfielders’ shoulders slumped, their heads to the ground. The batter’s teammates snickered at their neighborhood friends on the other team. They all went back home and continued to argue about the unfairness of the play. Kids on the losing team became anxious and withdrawn at home. They eagerly awaited next week’s softball game to see which team could annihilate the other.
The way this game was played reminds me of the concept of a
Performance-based Acceptance (PBA) relationship.
PBA relationships are those that are based on our performance: When we perform well, we’re accepted. There are “strings attached”.
Someone is keeping score.
What we feel like and how we react within PBA relationships with ourselves, others and God:
anxiety; depression; walking on eggshells; unsafe; human being vs. human doing; loss of identity; condemnation; faithless; hopeless; worry; striving; dishonest; passive-aggressive; aggressive; controlling; manipulative; chaos; feelings of being against another; hidden agenda; distant from self, others and God; burdened; unfair expectations of myself and others; being on the defensive; self-hatred; shame; Bible reading, prayer and worship are chores because God is a dictator; addictions run wild; jealous; sad, insecure; a “who cares” attitude, perfectionismetc, etc, etc.
Facing Reality:
I know that a lot of life is about keeping score. There are strings attached. If we don’t work, we don’t eat. We’ve got the grading system, the work force and team sports. But just look at what behaviors and feelings occur when strings are attached. When life is about keeping score, most kids hate school, stress is epidemic in the work force, and team sports can be downright dangerous! (Well, some people like to grade and keep score. They are usually the "A" students and rarely lose a game.)
Think about any PBA relationships you’re involved with: Your parent, a relative, a spouse, etc. may be people who are more interested in how well you perform than in who you are. Some people believe God is like that, too. (I thoroughly disagree with that!!!! I say FIRE that god!)
Your Refuge from PBA relationships: Those people and God who are in ABP relationships with you! Being involved with them will help you cope with PBA relationships. And, hanging with those you have ABP relationships with will give you courage to set boundaries with PBA relationships you’re involved in!
There’s always hope! Always! Don’t ever think you’re stuck! There’s light at the end of the tunnel!